However, digging deep, it wasn't a great day either. Admitting a budding psychological problem, I didn't just let myself down - I also let down that one person who believed in me: Mr. Pipoy. Today was a very heavy day for both of us, and while he still called me "love," and that he still finished his calls with "I love you," I know there's a wall separating us at the moment. He still holds my hand and he said he will never left my side, but he wanted me to have space to recollect thoughts and reflect on what I should do.
Today I am going to pick myself up and start again.
To do that, I re-read my blog and get myself re-acquainted to that person who entered the journey to wellness. I also re-read Dr. Beck's book - the first seven days (since I still haven't done any of the days after that). It's like taking a refresher course... vacation's over, time to get back on track.
I changed my ARC... instead of writing down general reasons, I made it very personal, so when I read it everyday, the reasons I listed will be powerful enough for me to keep on track.
My reasons why it's fun to lose weight:
- For all the health reasons. This one's quite generic, but I will ran out of space if I'd itemize this.
- Looking good in wearing smaller clothes.
- Buying clothes that are not on the "plus size" section.
- Ditching out the security blanket. That would be my cloth sling bag, which I always use whenever I go out so when my pictures are taken, I could hide my big frame/bulging tummy under it.
- Confidence in trying new things. Kama Sutra included.
- Having that sense of pride whenever I am seen with Mr. Pipoy, as if people's eyes are telling me, "He made the right choice."
- Travelling with ease.
- Receiving more positive comments.
- That "high" feeling when people ask, "What's your secret?" or "How did you do it?"
- Doing things obese people can't do. I am now excited to have my very first zip line ride, whenever that will be.
- Borrowing mom's or sister's clothes.
- People will not be hesitant in approaching me or making friends with me because I now look just like them. Sad truth, but yes, I have have been a wallflower for so long just because I look different.
- Being able to wear high-heeled shoes.
- Seeing the "before and after" pictures.
- Going crazy / beautiful.
- Keeping the lights on.
- Being an inspiration.
Time to turn it around before it's too late. I will be an inspiration!
Oh... remember the "Credit Account" suggested by Dr. Beck on her book? Well, I wasn't able to decorate my sexy bottle, so while I still haven't bought a glue gun to stick lace and embellishment on the bottle, I am currently using an old Fox's candy tin - since no one can see what's inside, it will prevent me from getting something from it whenever I feel to spend money.
Currently, it has 584 pesos - 25 pesos was the first money I had for 2012, 500 I put in there as a starting capital, the other coins were from loose change, and the 10usd was given by my aunt Bing as her Christmas gift. Hopefully, by the end of the year, I can save enough money for me to buy something awesome to help me reach my goal weight.
Letting go of the monsters in the head can be tough, but it only requires strong will to cast it. I will be better and I can get myself back on track.
To you, Mr. Pipoy, thank you so much for the guidance and love. You truly have given me more than everything I needed. Hold on to me... I will never let you down again. I love you so much!