Thursday, January 12, 2012

Last Days of Vacation

You've got to get yourself together
You got stuck in the moment
and you can't get out of it
- U2, "Stuck in the Moment"

Day 102
10 January 2012

Preggy Teddy White Flower

I woke up late today.

I don't know what's with the cold weather, but I just feel so sleepy and lazy! In the afternoon, I got to chat with K and aside from the usual "what's new" messages, I told him how lazy I feel today. I told him I'd go back to exercising tomorrow, and he told me, "Why not now? Go and walk... even for just 30 minutes." Well, okay... walk I did - going to the market it took me about 45 minutes walking around. Sure felt great not to sit at home, but I still feel lazy.


Day 103
11 January 2012

Sheba, the Siberian Husky

When I woke up, Aunt Bing was already here - invading the living room. She just got back from Pangasinan and because her flight going to Canada will be tomorrow, she decided to stay at Siegy's hotel so they can go to the airport together. I planned to exercise today, but with so many of her things scattered around, it seemed impossible.

After eating breakfast, brother told me our neighbor just walked his Siberian Husky puppy. I quickly got out of the house to see it and it was soooo cute! It's a female dog - just 2 months old. Well, I am often times afraid to come near dogs, but the owner told me Sheba's a very sweet puppy, so I went near and played with it. She sure still is a baby... when I tried to carry the puppy, Sheba didn't hesitate at all! I can't wait to see this cute one grow big, but I hope the time Sheba's adult enough, she'd still allow people to touch her.

Mommy Teddy with Cream-O

From one cute thing to another...

I found out where Mommy Teddy gave birth! It's normal for cats to give birth at the strangest places - this mommy kitty happens to give birth at the storage room this time. Only one kitty this time (she usually gives birth to three), and it's 90% white, 10% orange. Mr. Pipoy named it "Cream-O" (because we already have Oreo), and I just hope this little one will grow up to be one healthy cat - Mommy Teddy being 4 going 5 years old (in human years), it will be difficult for the mother cat to take care of the offspring - her last three batch of kitties died even before they opened their eyes. Since we already lost Orange-y, I hope this kitty will complete the space Orange-y left.

- * - * - * -

This afternoon, I gave myself that quality time I needed. A time to give myself that one-on-one talk. My approach? To use my worn-out notebook. I am aware of how lax I am since the last week of December - that even if Mr. Pipoy has given me strongest of all motivations, I still feel half-hearted about continuing this journey. I haven't given up; I just see myself walking at a very slow pace, and it is wearing me down.

I asked Mr. Pipoy's help, and he gave it right there and then. I truly am blessed to have him as my partner in life - he gave me a very powerful piece of motivation that shook me up. He is right, I have everything laid out for me - the only missing piece is me... that commitment to push further.

One thing more that's bothering me - "Mia" is visiting me more and more. I never really had any eating disorder, but while I am very certain I won't become anorexic (as I don't love the feeling of empty stomach), I have the tendency to become bulimic. First encounter with Mia was in 1999/2000, when I would eat as much as a whole family can eat then feeling guilty, I'd make a quick trip to the toilet. Was able to overcome it when I spitted blood after throwing up the undigested food I binged, but when Mia visited me last day of 2011, she hasn't really left me since. I am not binging everyday and throwing it up right after, but as difficult as this is to admit, Mia was with me for the last two nights. My pattern has always been this: I'd eat a lot for breakfast, then eat little (or not eat) for lunch, then binge again for dinner. Since I am now used to eat portioned food, eating more would make my tummy feel heavy and I'd feel dizzy about it, so a few minutes after eating dinner, I'd go to the toilet. Worse, I find myself sort of emptying my tummy just so I won't feel the heavy feeling.

Our neighbor Ria is a psychologist, but I never wanted to consult her about this. I was thinking of sending an old boyfriend an email (he's a psychologist, too), but I feel he'd be more personal (attacking me) instead of helping me. I never wanted to write about this - as I know Mr. Pipoy reads this blog and this will stress him more (I surely don't want to give him more stress as he is already stressed at work and I feel I am sort of a burden if I tell him this), but I need help. One episode with Mia last year, three this year. That's a bad sign. I need to get rid of Mia. Help!

I didn't exercise today; instead, I used my time to contemplate and trace my steps. I have been good the past three months, and I am aware that this journey to wellness is for a lifetime. I just need to find that little link that put me back on track.

Nobody said it was easy,
no one ever said it would be this hard.
...oh take me back to start.
(Coldplay, "The Scientist")

This will be my last day of bumming around.
As difficult it may seem be, I will carry my weight and get back on track.

1 comment:

  1. Speaking as a Psychologist, I would say that you are already on the right track. The first steps to wellness are the most difficult to take. But by admitting that there's a problem and asking for help you are already on the way to overcoming this problem.

    If you have time, you can visit my blog and look for the post Eating Disorders and How I Overcame Them. It's about my journey from getting out of the rut of three eating disorders.


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