I thought I'd welcome the new year feeling refreshed, ready to face the challenges of losing weight, getting back into the routine, living the life I long to live. I did have a few attempts, I'd go walking and jogging at times... I'd mind the food intake in some occasions, but most of the time I'd drown myself in reading books and watching TV.
Cutting the story short - I gained more weight and is currently between 214 and 216. First week of January, my weight spiked to 218 (which made me sulk in the room the whole day), but lessening the food intake made me lose a little. Still, I know I have to get back into the hang of things...not for anybody, but for me.
Last week (21 January), I went out with my family to celebrate my parents' wedding anniversary (even if dad's no longer around to celebrate it). It was my first time in a long time to wear sleeveless outside, and I wasn't at all impressed at how I look like. In my head, I should never feel ashamed... drilling into my head that I should be thankful I have arms, but, if you have lost weight in the past and gained back more than half of it, the feeling will wear you down. Losing weight is such a difficult thing to do, and now, I am letting all the hard work go to waste (and waist, too).
Obviously, I didn't wear a dress during my cousin's wedding last weekend (26 January). I just couldn't take the courage to show off my big arms and big tummy bulges, knowing I'd have pictures taken with my family having slim figures (my siblings and I are the biggest ones in the family). I did swallow my pride and decided to wear a rather short skirt, showing my big legs full of scars... I don't know if anyone whispered bad words about me, but I somehow, allowing myself to wear the skirt (when I can always wear a pair of leggings) was the only pride left I have. :)
As part of my "A Movie a Day Project," I got to watch this Korean movie called "200 Pounds Beauty" (you can click the play button and watch the full movie). It's a story of a fat woman who had a full body makeover in order to be accepted. Some things she did I don't agree with, but as with anyone having problems, we do make our own choices to give solutions to our problems. I did learn a lot from this movie, but one of my most memorable scenes was the that one when Hanna overheard her boss (who is her crush) talking to another woman about her, which made her decide to go to the doctor for a makeover (22:46 - 28:10). The doctor telling her, "You could die from all these..." to which Hanna answered, "I died yesterday," was something that made a lot of impact on me.
I died yesterday.
Some things in life are bound to happen and it's how we react to those things that makes us who we are now. I am missing the memories I shared with Mr. Pipoy, but it's over now, and I have to move on. I am already tired feeling lost and alone, I am already tired feeling jealous of people losing successfully losing weight, I am already tired of hurting and punishing myself. It's true that life throws sh_t at us and the way we react to it makes us who we are now. I want to be victorious.
I want to live again.